The culture conundrum: why being nice can lead to trouble

You may be working in a culture that is too nice.

Have you ever been invited to a meeting after the actual meeting? You know, the one where everyone picks apart the first meeting? Everyone was lovely and pleasant in the (probably virtual) room, but then they all got together without the person who called the meeting and held some kind of kangaroo court. It's ridiculous, right? But it happens more often than you'd think. And yes, I've done it myself.

This is what happens when a culture talks about "professionalism" (meaning: don't cause conflict), "positivity" (meaning: don't cause conflict) and "strong leaders" (meaning: do what we say so we get there quicker). These false values are a veneer of inclusion, energy, high performance and pseudo psychological safety. There's an appearance of collaboration and alignment, but underneath there's a lack of honesty and a feeling of fear simmering away. It only comes out in places where nothing can change: the back corridors.

Why does it happen?

In my experience, it usually comes from a good place. There's a mission or a vision to do good things, to grow and to look after employees. Everyone wants to work at, or lead, a company with a great working environment. It's often this feeling CEOs are chasing when they call their company a "family". There are lots of reasons it tips into niceness:

• Avoiding conflict. Usually driven by a desire to be liked and a quest for harmony and alignment. People don't want to offend, but in trying not to, they plant distrust.
• A feeling of inclusion. If we're nice, everyone will fall in line nicely. That doesn't work for diverse groups who need to break down barriers to be included, but don't want to be seen as "not nice".
• Fear. If you're nice to those in charge, your job stays safe.
• Motivation. There's a belief that people work harder for those they like, and the people they like are "nice". In reality, it often means a lack of accountability: people say yes a lot and then don't follow through.

But isn't it nice to be nice? Sure. In business, though, it can cause chaos, catastrophe and ill feeling.

What niceness costs you

Apathy

A nice culture breeds apathy because people lose the will to be proactive. They wait until a problem becomes a crisis, because they're unwilling to raise it, or when they do, nobody is willing to have the tough conversation. I've worked with companies where everyone knew poor performers were moved from team to team rather than managed. It created a culture of "well, I'm not as bad as Steve, so what are they going to do?" People mocked the company for it, and took comfort from it.

Blocked creativity

Innovation creates growth, and growth drives profit. Innovation only happens when people take risks, have courageous conversations and aren't afraid to think differently. If a company is too nice, and people don't feel safe putting forward radical ideas, the status quo wins. A company like that won't last long.

Loss of talent

Your best people want to make a significant contribution and be recognised for it. If nobody can challenge the status quo, nothing changes. Or worse, someone brave does challenge it, everyone agrees change is needed, and then nothing happens. Your best people give up and leave, probably for your competitors. One of my client's employees once said to me: "I'd rather they just told me my ideas were rubbish. Instead, I wait and wait for the go-ahead on an idea everyone agrees is good, but it never comes. It's soul-destroying."

Echo chambers

When nobody challenges how things are done, you get an echo chamber: round after round of discussion where everyone agrees something isn't working, but nobody will say why. That leads to chronic indecision.

I once watched a CEO defend a process (his own process) that had worked well in the past. Everyone accepted it was no longer delivering, but he was so defensive that the meeting went on for hours while people explored every other option. He would rather believe his people were underperforming than accept the company had outgrown his process. Everyone in the room gave up. There were tears afterwards. Three people resigned within two weeks.

What to replace niceness with

Kindness. Not the hashtag kind. The direct, forward-thinking kind.

Clarity

Ambiguity is niceness's best friend. Be clear that you expect honesty and clear feedback, and make space for tough challenge. Hold people accountable when they don't show those behaviours. Be clear about what kind of meeting you're in. Is it for making a decision? Or is it for new ideas, where people can put forward something different knowing they won't just be humoured?

Candour

When people are brave enough to speak candidly, protect them. Thank them publicly. Do that consistently and the culture shifts towards courage.

Confrontation

Usually seen as a negative word, but hear me out. When you don't address a performance problem, you tell everyone else you're fine with it. Hold people to account privately and respectfully. Be clear about the behaviour you expect and the impact on them and others if they can't adapt. People who can't adapt can always find a better fit elsewhere. Don't let them languish somewhere that isn't right for them.

If you're worried about getting these conversations right, the free 30 Day Difficult Conversations Toolkit is a good place to start. Each day you get one short, practical piece of advice, covering the conversations a "nice" culture tends to avoid: underperformance, uncomfortable emotions, behaviour and more.

Channel the tension and manage it. It's kinder for everyone.